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It's like this, and like that....

I started this blog in an effort to track my experiences with pregnancy and beyond. Writing is therapeutic. Kind of like talking to myself without the people in WalMart thinking I'm crazy. If you find some entertainment in this along the way, then even better!

This is one woman's journey through unfathomable hunger, vivid sex dreams and a bulging belly...from conception to birth in 9 months or less...

Misadventures in babysitting.....

Monday, January 11, 2010
So I am at my BFF's, and after watching her dear little 10 month old daughter for about an hour and 30 mins, and putting her to bed, I felt the need to talk about how useless I've just realized I am. First of all, I don't know how to entertain a 10 month old for longer than 30 seconds. But, that isn't exactly my biggest problem. My biggest problem is something that should be beyond simple, and that's changing the poor girl!

Do you have ANY idea how hard it is to change a 10 months old's clothes and diapers? Of course you do, you people aren't daft, but me, apparently I've got a LOT to learn.

She's just a baby. A cute, pudgy darling little baby, with a great big smile and thighs you just want to bite. You wouldn't think a 10 month old could shake my confidence to the core with a simple diaper and PJ change, but she did it. And she certainly didn't mean to. I brought her to her room and laid her on her change table. And then I looked at her and thought, ok now you just need to pull the t-shirt over her head. After what probably seemed to her like 300 hours of me trying to figure out if the button on the back of the shirt needed to come undone (it didn't. It's false. You know, decorative, cause that's not at all confusing) I finally pulled it over her head. Step 1 complete, and she's unscathed. Annoyed, but unscathed.

Next I have to remove her pants. Simple, right? Sure it is, if you're not a spazz but me, I had issues. I pulled and tried to get them off, one side down the other side still firmly under her butt. She's squirming and I'm trying to simultaneously hold her down so she doesn't squirm off the change table onto the floor, while lifting her butt. I am sure she looked at me and I saw her roll her eyes. She's a smart monkey, it wouldn't surprise me. But ok, pants off. Victory is mine! But she's wearing a onesie...oh dear not a onesie.

Unsnap the crotch, check. Did I mention she's got bitable thighs? Ya so she chooses NOW to faux-thigh master, clenching her thighs of steel together stronger than I could pull even if I wanted to (which I don't, I'm too afraid to hurt her). We struggle, she squirms, I feel stupider by the minute, I mean HONESTLY, her mother does this 5 times per day. Finally unsnapped, I've got to now pull said onesie over her head AND free her arms from it's long sleeves. I need a manual. Which do I do first? Arms? Head? No matter what I do, it's not going to end well. I am sure she could do this on her own by now, but poor kid, she's stuck with me.

Finally, I FINALLY free her from her clothes. Now we're down to the diaper. I can do this She's mad at me, but it's ok. I know I can soon soothe her with a bottle and a book, and really, she's not been hurt, just suffered the stupidity of her aunt. I'm sure that's why she is mad. She can't believe that I could have this much trouble. And I know she was secretly sending baby messages through my womb to her soon to be BFF, telling her to STAY IN THERE, cause this woman is hopeless and she's at least naked in utero.

Removing the diaper was fairly uneventful. By now she's been on the table for what seems to both of us like an eternity, and she's done. She's flipping and squirming and yelling at me. And now, I have to put the clothes back on. I HAVE TO PUT THEM BACK ON. I think I should buy her something pretty for enduring the epic bedtime change with me. Honestly. And I guess since normally, her dad bathes her in the middle of the process, by virtue of me skipping that (I'm honestly petrified of putting her in the water...I'm just not comfortable with bathing a baby so I got a free pass), it was extra torture.

As she lay there, I realize the PJ's are all snaps, which is awesome since it means no pulling anything over her head or feeding her appendages through any holes. What's not awesome is, she's on the table, and I've got to get this thing under her. Why don't I have 3 arms? I need 3 arms, how is any of this possible without 3 arms? Why weren't we born with 3 arms?

I scoop her up, fling the PJs down and put her on top. And now, well now it's me against 37 snaps and a squirmy babe.

I won't even go into detail about how many times I mis-snapped them but, by this time she's given up on getting to bed and has started to just yell and suck her blanket, I am sure she assumed she'd be sleeping on that change table, since I was clearly going to take an eternity to do up a few snaps. She gave up, and mental noted to herself to talk to her mother when she learns words, and tell her mama not to leave her with this crazy lady who doesn't know how a shirt works. Finally, we are done. I should have started her bedtime routine much earlier because I am sure that in the entire course of time, it's never taken anyone that long to get a baby ready for bed.

When it's bottle and story time and the rest of the night goes fairly smoothly. I guess one thing we can say is that, if you want a baby to just roll over and go to sleep, give them a reason to want to get as far away from you as possible. Just call me, I have a knack.

This does not bode well for my baby girl. And this is not the first time this has happened. I had a very similar experience with my niece when she was new, only my sister couldn't take it and jumped in 30 seconds into the disastrous scene I was making. I am hoping this is again, one of those things that you learn when you have your own child.

I seem to be hoping for a lot of that these days. Like as if, shortly after cutting the cord your body is filled with all this maternal instinct and motherly know how. As if I will suddenly stop being a spazz, a klutz and a moron, and clearly and calmly know exactly how to approach these situations. As if becoming a mom is so easy.

Every time I watch someone else's child, I leave that experience envious of my friends. They are all so with it. They KNOW what they are doing, their kids are behaving, entertained, clothed and fed, and none of them seem to have arms out of the socket in order to accomplish that. And me, I'm a mess.

So dear baby, I hope that there really is some sort of "on" button the midwives will push for me, that will suddenly have me knowing what to do with you, and not floundering around like an idiot. Because although there was no harm to my little friend today, she was only exposed to me for 1.5 hours. And you my darling, well you've got your entire LIFE to deal with this.....

9 comments to Misadventures in babysitting.....:

The Mommyologist said...

Don't worry!! You will figure it all out and before you know it you'll be able to deal with those snaps with your eyes closed!

Emily said...

Uhhh, this morning I tried to change my 11 month old's diaper and he had like basically crapped the scariest poop ever- it was EVERYWHERE. Homeboy was on his head while I hung him up by his feet and used 800 baby wipes to get all the poop. He hates diaper changes and acts like we are trying to kill him. I usually have to do it because hubs gets so upset and then the swearing starts and I just can't handle it. Anyways- point being: I don't think I will ever have it all figured out. I have poop on my shirt to prove it.

Kristi said...

Just want to ease your mind. It's NOT YOU, its the baby. I virtually had the exact same experience as Emily this week changing my son Milo. He flips over SO FAST and had poop every where and ended up in a head stand as well. All whilst screaming like I was pinching him or something. They get to a stage where they are active and don't want to be constricted for even a second and will do whatever to get out of being held against there will. I absolutely dread diaper changing and clothes changing lately. Probably why MJ has been in his jammies for 1.5 days now.


lifeandkitchen said...

I have a feeling that in a couple of months people will talk about how "with it" you seem with your baby! Great blog, btw. I'm just stopping by from SITS :)

Babe_chilla said...

Bahahaha ladies, too funny! I felt better when my BFF and her man came home and when I told them the story, they laughed and said "she is hard to change." And he assured me I likely did a better job than I think I did.

I know I'm in for all sorts of poo/changing issues in the months to come. Somehow, it seems like it's less torture when you're doing it to your own kid ha!

Lauren said...

ZOMG Avery is the squirmiest baby EVER when it comes to changing her diaper and getting her dressed/undressed. It's a nightmare and if I was really lazy I'd just leave her in a diaper or let her crawl around naked. It's fucking crazy.

*.::alex::.* said...

LMFAO!!!! Goodness, woman, you crack me up!!! I'm dying of laughter over here!

You will figure all of the craziness of being a mommy soon enough. At least you have this advantage: you are having a girl. This means the chances of you getting peed on are slim to none. :)

Beth said...

The only way I could successfully change my kids when they were in diapers was to do it on the floor and use my leg to strap them down so that they would stay still long enough for me to get the diaper off.

And I never mastered snaps.

Patriotic Mom said...

New Mom to Be, your blog was the one before mine in the Saturday Sharefest. I enjoyed your post, it has been a long time since I have felt like you. And it is literally amazing to me how we know what to do once we have our own baby. It really will just come naturally. Of course you could by a baby doll and do some practicing if your nervous. Enjoy the experience!

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