Almost 32 weeks and a little freak out....

Well this is the end of week 31. Tomorrow I'll wake up, 32 weeks pregnant, 2 lbs. heavier and that much closer to meeting our daughter. That seems scary to me. To say things like "8 weeks to go" or "56 days", or to realize that my baby shower is coming up soon all makes this very real. Not that it hasn't been real, but I'm rapidly running out of time and all I can think is "have I done enough?"...to which the answer is always an emphatic NO!

I have not saved enough money, and this is stressing me out. The hubs and I are equal in our income, and we have a nice little system set out where we pay the bills together, and enjoy liberty with our spending money. I don't complain about the 4th video game he's bought this month, and he does not complain about my 68th pair of shoes. I shop for food out of convenience sometimes, which only means it's more expensive, and I am ALL too familiar with the old take out regime.But I'm about to go to 45% of my income for an ENTIRE year, and add another life to care for. EEECK! The power is going to shift, and I'm not sure I like it.

Now, it's not like the hubs is going to hoard his money and laugh manically at me as I shuffle around in my holey shoes. Obviously we're going to be working it out, but my issue is that I'm not going to be contributing my equal share, and that makes me feel, awkward. I am sure we'll find a balance, and I know it won't be held against me in any fashion. I've just worked for 15 years, and always taken care of myself. I'm an independent, self sufficient lady who has trouble asking for help for even the simplest things - what's it going to be like to have someone else caring for me? I've never relied on anyone else for much, and while I've had help from the parentals along my life path, I've otherwise been sufficient.

Whoa this baby business is changing more than just my silhouette! Tone down the seriousness would you?  Who knew all these things would come to play when we decided to have a family."When we decided" makes it sound like we sat down, weighed the pro's and con's and developed a plan. Instead it's more like, we got married and that somehow kicked my clock into gear (previously, I thought I had been born devoid of a clock) and we threw caution to the wind (and birth control pills out the window) to see what would happen. I'd like to tell you all that I was patient and completely zen throughout the following 14 months but, it's a lie. I temped, I charted, I checked my "fertile signs" (I'm leaving it at that...those of you who KNOW what EWCM is get it, and those who don't, probably don't need to). I slyly seduced the hubs when it suited the timing, and impatiently suffered the excruciating 2WW to see if I got a visit from good old AF. And FINALLY one time, she didn't show up...and finally, when I peed on that $16 STICK I saw 2 lines.......

And 32 weeks later (well 27 I guess) here we are. And I'm getting a little sweaty thinking about all the things I know I don't know. Well, if I knew that I guess I'd know them, so I am thinking about all the things I can imagine I don't know, and am going to have to learn. I really hope this whole mommy thing as intuitive as people keep saying, because I was sure not a good puppy mommy at the beginning (it's the only frame of reference ok?). And nothing else has ever come that natural to me either. I'm not a natural anything. I'm not good at singing or playing instruments, I'm not good at drawing or doing art. I'm not very crafty and aside from a little bit of a flare for cooking I'm pretty much useless. I'm not patient enough to be a good baker. I can't play sports. I can barely walk without falling over and my house is never all put together and sparkling clean. Nope, not this girl.

So you can imagine my fears about being a mom. Because really, why would THAT come naturally when nothing else does? One can hope. Maybe this is my calling. Maybe, I'll be so good at it that I'll go all Michelle Duggar on you (see, no pregnancy and/or mommy blog can be complete, without the Michelle Duggar reference, so I'm now officially in the club) and pop out a few dozen. No, that'll never happen, I'm too selfish for that many children. But maybe I'll surprise myself. Or maybe, I really will be the naked panicked woman, crying and swinging from the street lamps, wondering where my youth went.

On to my point, what's happened in pregnancy week 31, that's new and exciting:

1 - Night sweats. Last week I noticed the peri-menopausal state of my body temperatures, and this week has been no better. My temps have continued to increase and I'm now waking up soaked, on a nightly basis. I think it's training for all the laundry I'm going to have to do with baby, washing these pajama's so often.

2 - My friends Braxton and Hicks. They aren't new, but the frequency of their visits is. And to tell you the truth, I think they are both assholes.

3 - Pressure in my head. I think this is a combination of increased blood volume, and the internal human compressing some of my vital organs. I'll be checking with the midwife on that one tomorrow.

4 - Waking up screaming in pain. This has happened 3 times this week. Only once did I actually scream, and feared the hubs would wake up and fly out of bed in a panic. The other two times have been mild whimpering that I've kept to myself. The first time came after I rolled over, and pulled something in my abdomen. It felt like I tore a muscle clean in half, and I thought for sure I was never going to stand up again. The other 2 times have related to this burning pain in my left hip, that is the result of who knows what. I stretch and move and pull until it goes away. It hurts. And as an aside, my ass is still broken.

5 - Two Words. SAUSAGE. FINGERS. This is NOT funny. Thursday I was fine, but Friday I could not get my wedding rings off, and after 5 soapy panicked minutes, where visions of having my rings cut off flashed before my eyes, my sausage fingers were finally free. I've tried a few times over the last few days, and depending on when it is, I can get them off and on. But now I'm afraid of them. So I will probably go the next 6-10 weeks, with the naked fingers of an unwed mother. I've got a jade ring the hubs bought me once long ago, for $5 at a farmers market, and it fits. So for now, it'll have to do.

6 - It's a FOOT? Like seriously, I think I can discern a baby foot above my belly button. It feels about the right size, the right shape, and in the right area of my belly. I know she's head down, because I can feel her hiccuping into my vagina, and knocking on my cervix....

7 - Yes, she's knocking on my cervix. I think it's like the bladder, it's there so why not play with it? She keeps knocking, but I am not answering and she is not coming out. Consider this your first grounding young lady. You're going to stay in your room for another 6-10 more weeks, and I don't care how small it gets in there.

8 - Breathlessness. Some how, I've become a 450 lbs. smoker walking up a San Fransisco hill at all times. Talking takes a lot more energy than is appropriate. My maternity leave replacement must think I'm crazy, lazy or just completely out of control because every question she has results in me huffing and puffing like I've just run a marathon. And I talk A LOT. My face is red all the time, and whether I'm partaking in mild conversation or walking to my car, I'm elevating my heart rate. Let's hope I'm burning the other 500 calories I'm taking in, above the 300 recommended....

Anyway, those are the major pregnancy things for week 31. She continues to move and roll and stretch herself out. She's sticking feet in ribs and using my bladder as a stress ball. I love her a little more every minute that goes by, and I am starting to envision myself actually holding her in my arms, instead of in my body.

I wouldn't say I'm ready, but then, does anyone ever (remind me of this in 5 or so weeks, when I'm waddling around, crying about my cankles and wondering where my neck has gone)? But I'm in the home stretch, and things are getting a little more exciting around here! Not to mention the nursery has now been painted!