I did something stupid earlier today, and tried to hide it. Unfortunately my bleeding foot later gave it away.
You see, I, like many women, are sure that I am 100% competent at accomplishing every task, whether I've done it before or not. I also refuse to believe that just because I am pregnant I should avoid doing certain things. Finally, I believe that I am right and the Hubs is wrong, in almost any situation where our opinions differ - which is about 98% of the time.
So this morning, while he slept, I got the bright idea to show him how talented and capable I truly am. You know, so I could rub it in his face be an awesome wife and revel in his shame excitement when he woke up.
We bought a lamp shade at IKEA yesterday (back to me being a glutton for punishment, we went to IKEA the day after Boxing Day) for Baby Girls room. Just a simple, red lamp shade. I got the BRILLIANT idea to hang this upside down, from the ceiling, in lieu of the circa 1985 wanna be WalMart special light fixture that currently hangs in that room. The hubs wasn't sure my plan would work but, uh ya, of COURSE it would. I'd only seen it 500 times and I'm now pregnant which makes me both handy AND crafty, no?
So instead of even beginning to give him the option to sort it out (in my defense, handy he is not) I thought "I'll just pop up there, change the shade, flick the light on and nananabooboo I'm right VOILA, it works." Of COURSE it'll work, why wouldn't it? It's my plan after all.
So at 9am, after being rudely awaken the SECOND time on my last day of vacay, I decided since I couldn't sleep, I'd accomplish something. I grabbed the computer room chair, put it under said light (I'm very tall, so it's not too much of a stretch) and went to work. Now let's forget the fact that at 6 months pregnant, 13 lbs. heavier and not an OUNCE more graceful than before, I was up on a chair, trying to change a light over my head. I see no problem with that, and I refuse to acknowledge if there is one.
Step 1, remove the old fixture, hanging by what appears to be the same chain my grandmother uses to ensure she doesn't lose the pesky plug in her tub. That was a no brainer. Step 2, remove old lightbulb. Pfft, this is easy peasy. I was eating a little dust, but it was all in the name of decor so who cares. Step 3, hold new lamp shade over existing electrical light bulb holding thingamajig, and line it up.No problem! Step 4, screw new energy efficient light bulb in to the hole and glorious step 5? Flick the swich and revel in my astounding accomplishment.
This is where the plan fails. No light. Switch it on but no light is coming out. What the eff? Hmmm in my infinite electrician and handygal abilities, I am able to quickly deduce it's because the bulb isn't screwed in far enough for the metal part to touch the other metal part and make bright shiny light come out. No problem, this is easily solved by screwing the bulb in farther. Back up on the chair I go, a few more turns and, it's TOTALLY going to work, right? Right?
Clearly not. What the deuce? I must not have screwed it in enough. Back up on the chair I go. Holding the bulb I give it one final twist and.....
The fancy ass twisty energy efficient bulb breaks off and shatters, in my hand. Raining down on me (and the Hubs computer chair) a shower of fine glass mist. Clearly I do not know my own strength.
Fuk fuk fuk. I hop down. I MUST quickly hide all evidence of said misadventure and pretend such things never occurred. I simply cannot let Hubs know I failed, and give him that ammo. Lightening fast, I run the chair into the bathroom, and tip the glass bits into the tub. Once I've cleaned it (effectively with a wad of toilet paper) I return to the room to hide the evidence of the broken bulb. Lucky for me, these new energy efficient ones have quite a base, and I was able to twist it out WITHOUT using a potato, a la my 8th grade shop teacher.
Cleaned up, evidence hidden, new bulb in place I pretend none of this mornings events take place. I tell the Hubs I tried, but it doesn't work, and we need a new solution. But it WILL work. He rolls his eyes in the "I told you so way", I envision stabbing him in the eye socket with my spoon, and all is well. We hit Home Depot for like, the 5789th time since moving into this house, and try to sort it out.
After 18 minutes and at least 5 "let's buy and try this, and if it doesn't work, return it" moments (side note: I have a cupboard of things that did not work, which should have been returned, but will now die a dusty, half utilized death in my house, only to be resurrected during some cleaning spree, where I file it under "find something to do with this". It will never ever get used. Unless I open an odds and ends store, where we just carry 1 of everything for a myriad of problems). Finally, I asked the geriatric HD associate I'd been following around the store which solution would work best:
"So I've got this like, lampshade thingy, and I'm trying to hang it from a thing sort of like this, but without that part, and I don't want to use a cord thingy or rewire anything, so I'm hoping either this will work? Or this? The problem is, the light bulb thing, the metal part, doesn't screw in all the way in, it's just a bit too shallow, and I've already asked in light bulbs, and there aren't any with longer metal connector parts. Anyway, which of these thingy's works better for hanging a $6 lamp shade from my ceiling in a way it was never intended to be used, but which I saw once in a magazine full of talented people with brains and tools? I just need like, this much more space (showing him with my finger nails).
Oh, and while you're at it, can you please make sure to mention to the Hubs here that I'm the smartest girl ever for coming up with this idea (not to mention a VERY sexy pregnant lady, even if this hoodie hasn't seen the washer in 6 weeks), and that it will work no problem and will not require any Googling on his part? K thanks!"
I don't envy those HD guys. Their ability to decipher my thingy from my whatchamacallit has been quite impressive over the years, and they've barely steered me wrong. His response?
"Well dear, it's just a connectivity issue, and I'd say your old light has just pushed down the copper part here (demonstrates on 1 of the 15 things I'm holding). You could probably just use a screw driver to bend this prong out ever so slightly, and use your existiing fixture...but make sure YOU TURN THE POWER OFF before you put a screw driver in there".
Check. Right. Thanks. Got it. No need to invest in heavy artillery, just fix what you've got. At least the Hubs never thought of this either.
So home we go. We haven't tried it since it's dark and I've rendered the only light in there completely useless (if not insanely cute), but that's what tomorrow is for.
So how did I get caught?
Welllllll, remember my glass shower? Right so, as it turns out, I didn't do such a great job on my clean up and wound up with a shard of glass in the pad of my foot. I didn't notice all day, wearing my Uggs is like wearing pillows on my feets, But then we came home, and it hurt like HELL. I was limping around, whining about my sore foot. I went to look and wouldn't ya know it? Glass, in MA FOOT!
Sigh. So up on the counter goes said foot, and I attempt to reach for the tweezers to remove it (bending back in a way I could only have accomplished at age 6), while the Hubs stands curiously in the bathroom door. I push it, it HURTS, I bleed, I need toilet paper (and balance) STAT. So the Hubs assists...and then of course asks the question "so how did you get GLASS in your foot anyway".
I am also no good at lying or keeping secrets from the Hubs, so as soon as he asked me, the verbal diarrhea kicked in and it was all out on the table. My other trick is to try to dazzle him with my Gilmour Girlease and speak so quickly and with so many cute quips, he gets confused and walks away without addressing the real issue...that being me, up on a chair, with electricity, at 9am and 6 months pregnant, while he sleeps a floor away.
But I survived....and tomorrow we shall make that lamp work. I just need to remember to turn off the electricity first.
It's like this, and like that....
I started this blog in an effort to track my experiences with pregnancy and beyond. Writing is therapeutic. Kind of like talking to myself without the people in WalMart thinking I'm crazy. If you find some entertainment in this along the way, then even better!
This is one woman's journey through unfathomable hunger, vivid sex dreams and a bulging belly...from conception to birth in 9 months or less...